Building Stronger Bonds: Five Rules of Communication for Couples

Communication is the cornerstone of any relationship, particularly in couples. As a couples therapist, understanding the intricacies of how partners communicate is essential for assessing dynamics and fostering healthier interactions. Paul Watzlawick, a renowned psychologist and one of the leading figures in communication theory, developed the 5 Axioms of Communication to explain the complexities of how humans relate to one another, offering a framework that helps us see beyond words into the deeper layers of interaction. 

Rul1. “One cannot, not communicate”

One of the most fundamental concepts is that all behavior is communication. This means that even when a partner is silent or withdrawn, they are still sending a message. Whether it’s through body language, posture, or even the absence of verbal communication, everything speaks. When I see partners who struggle with communication, I don’t just focus on what they say, but also on what they don't say—the silences, the glances, the tensions, and of course the key topics they are avoiding. Understanding this axiom helps me assess the unspoken dynamics in the room.

Rule 2: "Every communication has a content and relationship aspect such that the latter classifies the former"

Every communication contains two functions: the content or report function (the factual information) and the relationship or command function (the emotional or relational meaning). In healthy communication, the content is clear, and the relationship aspect is harmonious. When I ask you where you were, I really mean that and you respond calm and clearly. However, when couples come to therapy, their relational signals may be misaligned with the content. For example, one partner might say, "I’m just asking where you were," but the relational message implies suspicion or accusation. This small detail is key, as most of the times it triggers defensiveness, conflict and confusion in the couple. Decoding these hidden messages and guide couples to explore not just what they say, but how they say it, is incredibly helpful to align their content and relationship levels for clearer, less conflictual communication.

Rule 3:  "The nature of a relationship is dependent on the punctuation of the partners' communication procedures”

This might sound complicated, but I’m sure you will easily understand and relate to it: to "punctuate" a communication means to interpret an ongoing series of events by labeling one as the cause or beginning, and the following event as the response. Couples often get stuck in conflict because of this - one partner might see an issue as starting when the other fails to listen, while the other believes it begins with criticism. This misalignment creates circular patterns of blame, where each partner’s behavior becomes both a response to and a trigger for the other's actions, bringing them to a destructive spiral instead of focusing on the present problem and the solution. Understanding how each partner punctuates events helps uncover these cycles, allowing us to explore new ways of interacting and breaking the chain of blame.

Rule 4: "Human communication involves both digital and analogic modalities"

Humans communicate in two ways: digitally (words) and analogically (non-verbal cues). While words carry specific content, non-verbal cues express deeper relational meanings. In couples that have been in constant conflict for some time, it’s easy to see how their analogical communication shows their distress - they try to have a nice, neutral and banal conversation, and yet their bodies and facial gestures seem tense, defensive, irritable and even resentful. Of course, this dissonance can lead to misunderstandings and frustration. By helping couples tune in to both verbal and non-verbal messages, I can guide them toward more congruent, healthy communication.

Axiom 5: “Inter-human communication procedures are either symmetric or complementary”

In every relationship, interactions can be symmetrical (based on equality) or complementary (based on difference, where one partner leads, and the other follows). Neither is inherently good or bad, but problems arise when these patterns become rigid. In therapy, I look for whether the couple’s relationship is stuck in a fixed pattern—such as one always taking control and the other always deferring—because this rigidity can lead to frustration, imbalance, and indirect (and unhealthy) ways in which partners restore balance. Flexibility is key -  by understanding the purpose of these patterns and introducing more balance, I help couples shift toward healthier dynamics.

These 5 Axioms of Communication provide invaluable insights into the underlying dynamics between partners, allowing therapists and couples to not only enhance communication but also build stronger emotional connections in their relationships.

If you’re struggling with communication in your relationship, and feel that you two cannot solve it on your own, seeking the help of a qualified professional can make all the difference.