What is self-esteem and why is it so important?

An Essential Element for the Life You Want

As a psychologist, I often meet with people who don't value themselves enough to set boundaries, pursue their goals consistently, or express their feelings without guilt.

Unknowingly, they use excuses and external "tools" to avoid facing their difficulties and making decisions.

Self-esteem is a concept frequently discussed today, but why do some people love themselves so little while others so much? What does it depend on? When do I have a healthy, balance self-esteem? I invite you to read a bit about self-esteem and my perspective on it.

What is self-esteem?

Based on the definition by psychotherapist and self-esteem specialist Nathaniel Branden (1993), self-esteem encompasses two dimensions:

• Sense of personal efficacy: self-efficacy or confidence in the functioning of my mind and my ability to think; in my capacity, especially to choose, decide my life, and take responsibility for it.

• Sense of personal worth: self-dignity or security in my personal value, the affirmation of my right to live and be happy even though achieving that right may involve pain. The right to experience needs, satisfy them in dialogue with reality, or tolerate their partial frustration precisely because of the dialogue with the same reality that will offer us alternatives for our growth.

The presence of self-esteem, even at an early age, ensures and enhances resources to face the conflicts, crises, and challenges of life. Healthy self-esteem is related, for example, to school performance and climate, the perception of stress during university, and the physical, psychological, and social well-being of non-dependent older adults, among others.

On the contrary, the absence of self-esteem is often accompanied by psychological problems that hinder the development of personal, individual, and social life. There is also research showing how self-esteem influences the relationship between the processes of avoiding negative experiences and depressive and anxious symptoms, including social anxiety.

How does a healthy self-esteem develop?

According to Branden, the healthy development of self-esteem is fundamentally influenced by the absence of obstacles in childhood, disastrous relationships, dependency on the opinions of others, and addictions.

It is crucial to highlight the fundamental role of parents, as they can either foster confidence and self-love or continually hinder the learning of these attitudes. A nurturing and resourceful environment, "good enough" in Winnicott's words, is one that offers the child a good balance between protection and rules. It is characterized by secure attachment bonds between the baby and primary caregivers, which promote autonomy and the healthy expression of needs, and where frustration and negative emotions are responded to calmly without penalizing or overprotecting. This is how the child's brain develops in an optimal and integrated manner, leading to emotional and rational capacities to understand the world, others, and themselves.

Self-esteem and the ability to cope:

Now, this doesn't always happen, and when it doesn't, the society we live in often teaches us that suffering, facing, living, or expressing our emotional world is unnecessary - today we have all sorts of resources to escape frustration, pain, mistakes, or fear of failure. This functioning, based on seeking joy and systematically avoiding the negative or unease, eventually makes us less and less capable of facing life's difficulties, talking about them, accepting them, feeling them and dealing with interpersonal friction. Surely, you know, have known, or will know someone incapable of discussing difficult personal matters or having a truly intimate relationship.

A "low ability to cope" can lead us to live at half throttle, never fully becoming what we can be.

Self-esteem and the quality of our intimate relantioships:

Research has shown that individuals with high self-esteem tend to have higher relationship satisfaction. This is partly because they approach relationships with a secure attachment style, which fosters trust, open communication, and mutual respect. High self-esteem individuals are less likely to rely on their partners for validation, reducing dependency and promoting healthier dynamics

Additionally, a high self-esteem is associated with more constructive conflict resolution strategies, as these individuals are more likely to engage in problem-solving and less likely to use avoidance or aggression during conflicts. This leads to more effective and constructive communication during disagreements .

Take a few minutes to think... are you missing something to live the life you want? To what extent do you strive to hide your vulnerabilities? How is your self-love, and how heavily do your "imperfections" weigh on you? What aspects of others do you criticize that you don't allow in yourself?

To conclude, here is a quote from Charles Chaplin:

As I began to love myself

As I began to love myself ,

I found that anguish and emotional suffering are only warning signs that I was living against my own truth. Today, I know, this is Authenticity.

As I began to love myself,

I understood how much it can offend somebody as I try to force my desires on this person, even though I knew the time was not right, and the person was not ready for it, and even though this person was me. Today I call this Respect.

As I began to love myself ,

I stopped craving for a different life, and I could see that everything that surrounded me was inviting me to grow. Today I call this Maturity.

As I began to love myself ,

I understood that at any circumstance,

I am in the right place at the right time, and everything happens at the exactly right moment.

So I could be calm. Today I call this Self-Confidence.

As I began to love myself ,

I quit stealing my own time, and I stopped designing huge projects for the future. Today, I only do what brings me joy and happiness,

Things I love to do and that make my heart cheer,

And I do them in my own way, and in my own rhythm. Today I call this Simplicity.

As I began to love myself ,

I freed myself of anything that is not good for my health – food, people, things, situations,

And everything that drew me down, and away from myself.

At first I called this attitude a healthy egoism.

Today I know it is Love of Oneself.

As I began to love myself ,

I quit trying to always be right, and ever since I was wrong less of the time.

Today I discovered that is Modesty.

As I began to love myself,

I refused to go on living in the past, and worrying about the future.

Now, I only live for the moment, where everything is happening.

Today I live each day, day by day,and I call it Fulfilment.

As I began to love myself I recognized that my mind can disturb me, and it can make me sick.

But as I connected it to my heart, my mind became a valuable ally.

Today I call this connection Wisdom of the Heart.

We no longer need to fear arguments, confrontations or any kind of problems with ourselves or others. Even stars collide, and out of their crashing, new worlds are born. Today I know: This is Life!

BIBLIOGRAPHY:

- Branden, N. (1993). Poder de la Autoestima. Paidos Iberica, Ediciones S. A..

- Caballo, V. E., Piqueras, J. A., Antona, C., Irurtia, M. J., Salazar, I. C., Bas, P., & Salavera, C.

(2018). La autoestima y su relación con la ansiedad social y las habilidades sociales (No. ART-2018-05830).

- Jiménez, R. V. M. (2018). La evitación experiencial y la autoestima como factores de vulnerabilidad psicosocial en los trastornos emocionales:¿ variables independientes o relacionadas? (Doctoral dissertation, Universidad de Sevilla).

- Mesa-Fernández, M., Pérez-Padilla, J., Nunes, C., & Menéndez, S. (2019). Bienestar psicológico en las personas mayores no dependientes y su relación con la autoestima y la autoeficacia. Ciência & Saúde Coletiva, 24, 115-124.

- Monge, J. A. G., & Antonio, J. (2002). Autoestima y salud. GONZÁLES, MIS La educación para la salud del siglo XXI: comunicación y salud. Madri: Díaz de Santos.

- Morente, A. R., Guiu, G. F., Castells, R. R., & Escoda, N. P. (2017). Análisis de la relación entre competencias emocionales, autoestima, clima de aula, rendimiento académico y nivel de bienestar en educación primaria. Revista Española de Orientación y Psicopedagogía, 28(1), 8-18.