Stages of Awareness in Couple’s Communication

In every relationship, communication is both the lifeblood and the battleground.

How couples communicate is not just about the words exchanged, but also about the underlying dynamics, emotions, and histories that shape every conversation.  Most of the couples that come to my office mention “communication problems” as a way to summarize all their conflictivity, their emotional distance, and their individual suffering. Where do we start from?

One of the first things I pay attention to is the depth of awareness all couples have about their communication. It often determines whether the therapy and their relationship thrives or struggles. 

This journey toward deeper awareness in communication can be understood through five levels of analysis, each revealing more about how partners interact, why conflicts arise, and how they can grow together.

1. Objects: Focusing on External Topics

At the most surface level, couples often talk about objects — topics outside of themselves. This could be about work, money, or the logistics of daily life. While this level of communication is necessary for practical purposes, it can also serve as a way to avoid deeper emotional engagement.

For example, partners might argue about finances, but the real issue could be their inability to feel supported by each other emotionally. Staying in this level of communication keeps conversations safe but unproductive in terms of relationship growth. The danger is that it avoids vulnerability, which is essential for emotional intimacy. 

2. Individual: Blame and Projection

In the individual level of communication, partners tend to put the blame on one another for their feelings and behaviors. There’s a strong sense of projection — partners externalize their internal emotional states, often unaware that their own emotions are theirs to manage.

Common phrases include:

• "You make me so angry."

• "You’re the reason I feel like this."

At this stage, communication is defensive and reactive. Instead of exploring their emotions or the dynamics between them, couples get stuck in cycles of blame, which leads to escalating conflicts and unresolved issues. 

3. Transactional: Recognizing Patterns

As awareness deepens, couples can move to the transactional level, where they begin to recognize and discuss the reciprocal nature of their communication patterns. Instead of blaming the other person, there is acknowledgment of how each partner's behavior influences the other’s reactions.

• For example: "When you got upset, I withdrew, which made you even angrier."

This level of awareness allows couples to see the cause-and-effect loops in their communication, and it can be a pivotal moment in breaking negative cycles. While partners may still get caught in unhelpful patterns, they start to observe how their actions contribute to the dynamics, making space for healthier interaction. In this stage, couples are more prone to understand the perspective of the other and validate their emotions, beliefs, or actions, which enhances emotional intimacy.

4. Relational: Understanding Relationship Norms and Assumptions

At the relational level, couples begin to understand the underlying assumptions and emotional triggers that define their relationship. Partners become aware of the emotional landscape that fuels their conflicts, recognizing the emotional needs that often go unmet and spark tension.

• For example: a couple might realize that their arguments about minor issues stem from deeper fears of not being loved or valued.

This awareness helps couples realize that what they are fighting about is often less important than the emotional experiences driving their reactions. Understanding the root causes of conflict allows them to address the "why" behind their behaviors, which leads to more compassionate and productive conversations.

5. Contextual: The Influence of Personal Histories

At the deepest level, contextual awareness, couples understand how their pasts — particularly their family-of-origin experiences — influence their current relationship dynamics. They recognize that some of their emotional reactions may not be fully about their partner, but rather about unresolved emotions or patterns they’ve carried from their upbringing.

• For example: a wife who becomes upset with her husband for being emotionally distant may realize that this reaction is connected to feelings of abandonment she experienced in childhood, perhaps in relation to her father.

At this stage, couples have a holistic understanding of the context surrounding their behaviors, enabling them to approach conflicts with greater empathy and self-awareness. They understand that both partners bring their personal histories into the relationship, and these histories shape how they communicate and relate to one another.

Communication is a Circular Process

During couples therapy, one of my priorities is to make clients understand that communication in relationships is circular in nature. The way one partner communicates influences the other’s response, creating an ongoing cycle. As the saying goes, "The listener creates the speaker”, how a partner listens — whether they are active and openly receiving the information, defensive, shut down or empathetic — can shape the way the other speaks, and vice versa.

For example, if one partner responds to criticism with defensiveness, it might escalate the conflict. However, if the same partner responds with empathy, the conversation may shift toward understanding and resolution. This cyclical interaction means that both partners share responsibility for the direction of the conversation, make sure they validate the other (making them feel safe), and, ultimately, work for the health of the relationship.