The Importance of the Therapeutic Bond

As a therapist, every time I meet a new person in my office, my first priority is to connect with them—to be curious about their problem and their story, to empathize, to show unconditional acceptance, and to provide a space that makes them feel safe. Establishing this connection is essential, setting the foundation for a therapeutic journey that often involves deeply personal and sometimes painful revelations.

Similarly, whenever someone (an acquaintance or otherwise) asks me for therapist referrals, I provide the contact of the best professional I can think of. Right after, I emphasize the importance of feeling comfortable with the therapist they choose. Sometimes it takes a couple of trials with different professionals, and sometimes the connection is felt immediately. But if you don’t have that connection—that sense of ease—even with the best therapist, it just might not work... for you.

Why?

A significant body of research has shown that the therapeutic alliance, or the bond between therapist and client, is one of the strongest predictors of successful therapy. One widely cited estimate comes from Michael Lambert (1992, 2013), who proposed that around 30% of therapy outcomes can be attributed to the quality of this alliance. Other studies, like the meta-analysis by Martin, Garske, & Davis (2000), confirm that a strong therapeutic bond is associated with positive outcomes across various therapeutic approaches. Norcross & Lambert (2011) further suggest that factors such as empathy, warmth, and client-therapist connection may be as critical as the specific therapeutic techniques used.

It makes sense, doesn’t it? What do people seek therapy for?

People come to therapy for a variety of reasons:

• They’re struggling in one or several areas of their life and can’t find a solution.

• They don’t understand their own behavior or feelings.

• They feel stuck, unable to change certain behaviors or emotions.

• They have unresolved issues in their relationships and don’t know why.

• They "have it all" to be happy but aren’t.

• They’re content, yet they seek personal growth and a better version of themselves.

• They’ve experienced a significant life event that has left them feeling overwhelmed.

In each of these scenarios, clients seek a place to develop the tools necessary to overcome their challenges. But more than that, they need a space where they can explore themselves deeply, dig inwardly, and have someone help them piece things together. Traumas, memories, losses, hidden wounds, forbidden emotions, complexes—unpacking these requires a willingness to be vulnerable with someone you don’t know. Isn't this reason enough to seek a meaningful bond with your therapist?

Why Connection Matters

Many of these clients may have tried sharing their struggles with family or friends, only to receive responses that, while well-meaning, often miss the mark:

• "You shouldn’t feel like this; you have everything to be happy."

• "If you have a problem, let’s just go solve it!"

• "Let me tell you what you need to do…"

• "The more you complain, the worse it will feel."

• “OK, but why do you say X, and then do Z”? You need to put your sh** together…”

• "Well, let it go …“Everything happens for a reason.”

• “ Time heals all wounds"

• “Just focus on the positives!”

• “Stop overthinking it.”

• “Others have it worse than you.

While such responses come from a place of love or concern, they rarely provide the understanding, space, and patience people need to work through their issues. In most cases, they trigger defensiveness in the person who is sharing, a response to something like “I’m showing my vulnerability and I’m getting the opposite of what I need, which is validation”. They also trigger feelings of incompetence, guilt, frustration, or loneliness. In contrast, a therapeutic alliance offers a unique space: one where clients are met with empathy rather than judgment, validation rather than advice, and support rather than solutions.  

A Safe Space to Heal and Grow

When a client feels connected to their therapist, they’re more likely to open up, engage in the process, and actively work on change. This bond helps them feel safe enough to explore their inner worlds, examine their thought patterns, and consider new ways of being. And through this connection, a therapist can help clients find meaning, understand past wounds, and foster resilience.

This is why the therapeutic alliance isn’t just an added benefit; it’s a crucial ingredient. In a strong therapeutic relationship, clients feel seen, understood, and accepted, empowering them to engage in the work that leads to healing and growth. So, when choosing a therapist, listen to yourself. Seek someone who makes you feel comfortable, respected, and valued. That connection could be the key to your success in therapy.

What is the key takeway? If you have doubts after your first session with a Therapist, don't hesitate in trying another one. Therapist are trained to not take it personal, and they all understand that sometimes it works, sometimes it just doesn't. Don't be afraid of upsetting anyone! Your mental health is too important, so set yourself up for success making sure your therapist is YOUR therapist.